There is something in that nothing

There it goes, there goes my day, and productivity be most effectively damned! What is productivity anyway but a sad attempt at quantifying well-spent time according to somebody else's standards of behavior? Perhaps that is why it is impossible to be satisfied for so many people. Holding yourself to other's standards=bad. we understand and proceed accordingly.

mishmash! I speak quite well and say very little.

Life is boring me. I go to school, come home, do homework and repeat. odd jobs here and there to keep times good, and a scholarship check waiting to be sent to my eager bankers.

Sometimes I wonder about the synchronicity that people can share with each other. What does it mean, this link between people that guides emotions and actions on identical paths between a lucky few? How is it that a person miles away can look at the sky, and their friend from out of town could do the same thing? Why does the connection even exist? Is it there with a purpose? Does it require one to exist? Or is it a happy coincidence of the realistic and surreal?

What does it all mean, anyway?

nostalgia, and the comfort therein, or "How to love to hate where you are."

I just stepped out for a cigarette, and as I watched the landscapers go around the apartment complex, doing what they do every monday or so, I got to thinking. I thought about the first day of the new semester and about old faces not seen, and new faces cropping up. I thought about that old building with its hallways and catwalks and riggings. I thought about my professors, and the theatre faculty, and everything that I have learned through them.

I thought about these things fondly, without reservation, skipping from memory to memory in my mind. I thought about the smiling faces of my peers. I thought about all of that shit.

I think today when I step in front of that building again, with it's sharp angles and that singular, not-quite-offensive, not-quite-enjoyable yet completely nostalgic smell, that I will just stop right in front of it and take a minute to remember everything I've done for it, and everything it has done for me.

The ritual of loving to hate is a fun one, boys and girls. I love and hate that theatre more than many things in my life. It is a safe haven and a battlefield, it is a home and yet a prison. I love, yet hate that place. much as we all love, and hate ourselves to some extent. I don't know what things will be like when I try to leave this place.

I don't know if I will have the strength to cut that tie for a long time.

so ends my insight for today. here's a bullet list of things I've been up to.

- Woke up today (Sunday, August 23rd, the year 20 AD*.)

- Decided today was moving day.

-traveled to scottsdale to pick up jenny's grandparent's van (herein and after referred to as the Traveling High Occupancy Conveyance, or THOC!) and was fed by jenny's grandparents. fed. makes me sound like a dog or something. but then again, I heard once that men are dogs, so I suppose it's alright.

- Took the THOC back and forth from my new place of residence (affectionately dubbed 'house') and my old place of residence (less affectionately dubbed 'apartment') with various THOC-loads of furniture, knick-knacks, bedknobs, odds and ends, bric-a-brac, flotsam, jetsam and a small quantity of scrapbooking goods whose owner I will not name out of respect.

-Went to Jack in the box.

-Sang along to Waiting for My ruca in the car with jenny.

- Ate aforementioned Jack in the Box.

- Watched Dr. Who. (That's BEAUTIFUL!)

- wrote this blog.

-went to the cashier's office and turned in tuition waiver.

- went to cla-

.....

nope, I'm getting about two hours ahead of myself again.

spoilers, guys.

You'll just have to wait to see what I do next.

*A.D. - After Dylan

I'm surprised

this blog has lasted so long.


I never really thought I'd still be writing in here when I was 20, almost 21. cripes.




anyway. listen up.




Life is constantly changing. You can't ever go into any situation in life expecting only one outcome. We never know what will happen to us unless we go all out. and that's the thing. Going for something. Trying. Making effort. Putting yourself out there quite literally. Daunting? Sure. Scary? Yes. Chance of disappointment? 50/50. But the important thing to remember as you all travel away from us, and move on to what will hopefully be bigger and better and cooler things, I hope you always remember that there's a great big, crazy, horrible, beautiful, inspirational, demotivational, conglomerated world out there, and unless you are willing to put your hangups and your inhibitions by the wayside, you will never experience all it has to offer.



I hope, more than anything else, to see your names in papers, on screens, wrapped on a billboard, looking glamorous. I hope that one day I can call you all randomly and catch up, saying, "wow, remember when?" I hope none of you forget us here, and I hope that taking chances becomes a daily part of your lives. It's so very important.
Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft may win, by fearing to attempt.

so school starts in a week....

and this summer has been... interesting. Thought I wouldn't go back to school, but am anyway. Full time businesssssssss.


It's so close to being time now, I can taste it. My time is coming.




Sitting here writing this, I can look back at this summer and say I really enjoyed myself. I had crazy times, good times, bad times, in between times, and raunchy, sexy times, and it was all great.





Never a constant missing.


Not one person out of place.



Nothing to change.





Give me/your eyes/I need/Sunshine.

FIVE PERCENT BATTERY POWER, CAPTAIN!

Sometimes, life is crazy. I just woke up. Went to bed at like five thirty. oof.




Parties at stefans all weekend, and craziness ensuing as far as the eye can see.



I had a few interesting experiences last night. yesterday in general. lol. so much win everywhere.



I beat earl and michele at beer pong. HA.




I have five percent battery. weak sauce.

twenty time twenty over again.

Life is a jumbles. We need to move in to our new apartment.



In other news, I am addicted to video games, and nobody seems to want to hang out anymore.


At least, that goes for my theatre friends. Seems like every time they go and have some weird fun time late at night like we all used to do, I never hear about it until the ritualistic status updates of the next morning that decry last night's activities as foolish. I still want to be a part of that crap guys.



Whatever. We lose friends, we make new ones.




I have a lot of friends. I'm not worried. Hope they call more often though.

Manliness Exemplified

Okay. So. been an eventful two days back in AZ.

Went off to west clear creek canyon with my dad.

Got to our campsite, and not an hour after we got there, a girl comes up to our camp asking if we have have a phone. She told us that a guy in his forties had taken about a twenty foot rappelling fall and broken both of his ankles. So they get the guy to our camp, and we lay him down on our pads and sleeping bags. My dad ran up the trail out of the canyon and called emergency services. After he gets back down, the firefighters show up and stabilize the guy (His name was Buck) and then told him there was an air evac on it's way to helicopter him out of the canyon.

End of story, right? Wrong.

The helicopter gets over the canyon, makes an assessment of possible LZ's and decides there is no safe area to airlift the guy out. So Search and Rescue gets called out and they show up with a litter, which is like a stretcher, but with no wheels, and has to be carried by people. We get him on the stretcher, and then me, my dad, and the fire team proceed to take turns carrying this guy on the tiny trail out of the canyon. It took us two hours of sweating, slow moving, and navigating to get him out safely. Once we got to the top, they hoofed him off and onto a DPS helicopter which took him off to Flagstaff's hospital for medical care. We then drove his buddy to his car so he could get up to flag to see his friend.


We got home around 1:30. I'm scratched up, poison ivied, and sore all over, but it was worth it. I got to rescue a guy. I feel more manly overall.

Bob Dylan's got two cents on New York. How much does it cost for you to listen?

Rambling out of the wild west
Leaving the towns I love best
Thought I'd seen some ups and down
'Till I come into New York town
People going down to the ground
Building going up to the sky.

Wintertime in New York town
The wind blowing snow around
Walk around with nowhere to go
Somebody could freeze right to the bone
I froze right to the bone
New York Times said it was the coldest winter in seventeen years
I didn't feel so cold then.

I swung on to my old guitar
Grabbed hold of a subway car
And after a rocking, reeling, rolling ride
I landed up on the downtown side:
Greenwich Village.

I walked down there and ended up
In one of them coffee-houses on the block
Got on the stage to sing and play
Man there said, Come back some other day
You sound like a hillbilly
We want folksingers here.

Well, I got a harmonica job begun to play
Blowing my lungs out for a dollar a day
I blowed inside out and upside down
The man there said he loved my sound
He was raving about he loved my sound
Dollar a day's worth.

After weeks and weeks of hanging around
I finally got a job in New York town
In a bigger place, bigger money too
Even joined the Union and paid my dues.

Now, a very great man once said
That some people rob you with a fountain pen
It don't take too long to find out
Just what he was talking about
A lot of people don't have much food on their table
But they got a lot of forks and knives
And they gotta cut something.

So one morning when the sun was warm
I rambled out of New York town
Pulled my cap down over my eyes
And heated out for the western skies
So long New York
Howdy, East Orange.

musings

Sixteen years ago to the day, The intrepid adventurer Bob Robertson set out on another of his fantastic adventures. Quite a sight as he prepped his hot air balloon for trans-continental travel culminating in what he perceived to be the greatest discovery of all modern existence, although what it was he would not, or could not relate. Many a curious youth and a few condescending critics were present as he heaved the last sandbag over the side, cut his tethers and floated off into the sky.
As he departed, he gave his customary two fingered salute, and casually affixed his flight goggles to his face. as he left, he said only one thing.


"The culmination of my travels ends in the discovery that there is nothing left to discover!"




No sign of the adventurer or his multi-colored balloon has been found.

now that I've gotten

where i'm going I don't know why I left. I miss my friends. I miss my city. I miss my lifestyle. I miss my girlfriend.




still more than a week away from departure. still more than a week away from the comfort of the norm.


Uncle is angry with me. Understandably, though. I fucked up. Shouldn't have done things to piss him off. I've made my uncomfortable bed and now I have to lay in it.


While the circumstances surrounding my trespasses were wrong, and WILL NOT be repeated ever again if I am any kind of determined, I still feel that the world in general, and unfortunately my conservative family, will never understand the real truth of the thing.



It is not harmful. No more than alcohol is. Less, even.

Soon enough, there will be no foolish laws to restrict the use of harmless substances. Soon enough, the frightened, insecure old men that run my beautiful country will be forced by the american people to repeal their laws against things they do not understand.


and with any luck, alcohol will be re-scheduled as the harmful, uncontrollable, unpredictable drug that it truly is.

It's time again

Time to go back to nebraska, back to rolling fields of corn, and a place where the traffic is bad on the freeway if there are more than two cars in front of you.

time to go back.








time to recharge.

I'll never fall in line.

This weekend is epic. nuff said.




Why is it epic?



I TOLD you nuff said, right?


whatever.




EPIC the first: Awesome friday. Awesome date. Awesome girl. :)

EPIC the second: awesome hangout with billy and j.d.

EPIC the third: Improv show tonight with said awesome girl.

EPIC the fourth: Conquering untold galaxies with chris later.





Epic weekend is epic.




Life is good.




I miss twelve angry jurors.

I'm Back

From my soul vacation. It took a while, but I've been out of sorts for a long time. here's how this works. I deleted all of my previous blog posts. all of them. they are gone, and I will never think about them again. What matters is the here and now. The present. The past IS important, but it's not something that people should dwell on. When I got my head a little more under control I realized that every negative thing I have done has revolved around being unable to let go of the past. Well, I'm moving forward.


Hell, I'm RUNNING forward! I'm making my way to a future that is consistently brighter every day. A future with a career a job and a house with a wonderful family. yeah, that's in my plans now too. family...



I love epiphanies. clarity comes rarely to the human race, but the brief moments therein are few and far between and I appreciate them.




I'll be writing again, now.





Welcome back to my mind.